Well. How did we fair the first week of September?
September is like a brand new copy book for me.
A chance to go again.
I’m in a really good space right now.
I could NOT say that this time last year.
I was broken, 3 weeks out from hospital and one week away from going back in.
I couldn’t breathe, I was the most physically and mentally unwell I had been in my life and I was scared & rightly so.
It took me 6 months to feel “right” again.
It took even longer for my work and regular client flow to resume.
And even longer again for my confidence, energy and positivity to return.
And a full year to be medically signed off as “fixed” by a specialist respiratory team at Beaumont Hospital.
What was most wild about this whole experience was what it brought up from the past. Long shadows of a fear I’d forgotten.
Or at least not thoroughly examined with the self compassion of an adult gaze.
Unresolved childhood fears of safety while being part of an intense bullying culture in a competitive swim club was the main recurring theme.
On the nights I was most unwell with spiked temperatures I would toss and turn in the bed and all I could smell was chlorine and feel my heart pounding afraid to lose my next race but more afraid to win. Unable to breathe, my lungs under water.
Winning meant more expectation, more pressure, more training, more punishment if you slipped from this level. Losing meant erosion of any self worth.